119 Chuck Norris Jokes That Are Short Of Legendary
A joke that is as old as some teenagers might find its fate in the Internet’s dumpster where hackneyed things go into oblivion. However, some of the old jokes prove to stand the test of time; no matter how many times and how many years they’ve been around, they are still as funny as the first time you heard them. Such is the case with the legendary, iconic, and brilliant Chuck Norris jokes! However, as with many things that are old enough to have their own kids, sometimes the fable of its origin becomes a bit hazy, but no worries – we’ve found the exact story of how Chuck Norris jokes came to be.
Picture 2005 and the Something Awful forums. Vin Diesel’s ‘The Pacifier’ movie just came out. In the light of this grand event, someone decided to start a topic listing Vin Diesel ‘facts,’ or rather, silly factoids, hyperbolizing Diesel’s physical and mental strengths. A then-teenager known as Ian Spector (this is unverified, but we love the name and surname combo, so why the heck not to include it) created a simple one-pager website where you could generate those very same factoids. However, soon enough, people got bored with mister Vin, and someone suggested replacing him with the martial arts divinity Chuck Norris. And the rest is history as the Internet couldn’t get enough of these clever jokes and silly factoids, making it become a viral sensation with undying relevance and popularity. And here we are, some seventeen years later, rekindling our love for Chuck Norris jokes and sharing it with you! These fun factoids, these brilliant laughs, are sure to bring you memories of better times and maybe even the exact occasion when you first heard one of these awesome jokes.
So, make haste, for the cool jokes are waiting! As usual, they are just a bit further down, so scroll on there, vote for these most clever jokes, and share this article with your friends!
Chuck Norris has a diary, it is called the Guinness Book Of World Records.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a poisonous snake. And after a week of excruciating pain, the snake died.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
When Alexander Graham Bell first invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest with Superman. I’m not going to say who won, but the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside for the rest of his life.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Chuck Norris built the hospital that he was born in.
The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.
Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pen and paper.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris was exposed to Covid-19.
Covid-19 had to go into quarantine for a month.
Chuck Norris didn’t call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear, an alligator, and a tiger all at once. He won by tying them together with an anaconda.
Chuck Norris once spun a ball on his finger, to this day planet earth continues to turn.
Chuck Norris breathes air… five times a day.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
In the Beginning there was nothing… Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.
Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested… Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris didn’t cheat death, he won fairly and squarely.
Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris played a game of rock, paper scissors against his reflection, and won.
When Chuck Norris falls from a great height, the ground has its life flash before its eyes.
Chuck Norris once raced the earth around the sun and won by three years.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.